$2 Dollar Bill

 

TACO HELL

 by Peter Leppik

 

     The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me 

while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be 

there" things.

     On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra 

holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. 

In my billfold was a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That was all of the cash 

I had on my person. 

I figured that with a $2 bill, I could get something to eat and not 

have to worry about people getting pissed at me.

 

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

 IT: "Is that it?"

 ME: "Yep."

 IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"

 ME: "No, it's to go." [I hate effort duplication.]

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks 

at it kind of funny 

 IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The 

following conversation occurs between the two of them.

 IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

 MG: "No. A what?"

 IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

 MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."

 IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says:

 IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

 ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

 IT: "I don't know."

 ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"

 IT: "Yeah."

 ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"

 IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to 

shoplift..

 IT: "He says I have to take it."

 MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

 IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get 

change."

 MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis]

 IT: "What should I do?"

 MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."

 IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

 MG: "Just tell him."

 IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says:

 MG: "Sorry,we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm 

and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 

100 other stores.]

 ME: "Well, here's a two."

 MG: "We don't take those either."

 ME: "Why the hell not?"

 MG: "I think you know why."

 ME: "No really, tell me, why?"

 MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

 ME: "Excuse me?"

 MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

 ME: "What the hell for?"

 MG: "Please, sir."

 ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

 MG: "Would you please just leave?"

 ME: "No."

 MG: "Fine, have it your way then."

 ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

 

 At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the 

phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the 

dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few 

minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other 

end of counter, in a whisper]

 SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

 MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

 SG: "Really? What?"

 MG: "Get this, a two dollar bill."

 SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]

 MG: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he 

has is a fifty."

 SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"

 MG: "NO, the $2 is."

 SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

 MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

 SG: "Yeah..."

 Security guard walks over to me and says

 SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to 

use."

 ME: "Uh, no."

 SG: "Lemme see 'em."

 ME: "Why?"

 SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat,

 so I said:

 ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2  

bill."

 I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a 

swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his 

hands, and says:

 SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

 MG: "It's fake."

 SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."

 MG: "But it's a $2 bill."

 SG: "Yeah, so?"

 MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

 

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and 

it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he 

threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things,too. Makes me want 

to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try 

to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably 

end up in jail. At least you get free food.