Thursday, June 24, 2010
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I
have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
2. Name it 'Housework.'
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4.. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you,
'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'
6. Calmly answer, 'Yes' and press mouse button firmly ...
7. Feel better?
Friday, June 18, 2010
As we prepared to celebrate our nation's freedom many of us will head off to near and distant places to play and relax...enjoying time with family and friends, but....there will be the American Soldier who will be fighting on distant shores to preserve freedom for all of us. As you plan your holiday, please consider including prayer for our soldiers.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thank you very much!
One evening a husband,
thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim
Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a
little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out..
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put
talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,
'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
guys just never learn...
Do not tick off the little woman.