Friday, May 27, 2011

Best Comeback Ever

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, .. I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

Monday, May 09, 2011


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
This would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,

Much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Tuesday, May 03, 2011


All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the
rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
onto the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked hiding
in this cedar chest . . ."

Monday, May 02, 2011

Step by Step walkthrough on Malwarebyte's AntiMalware

If you suspect your Windows computer is infected with some malicious software, you have a variety of tools at your command to deal with the threat. One that I really like is Malwarebyte's AntiMalware, also called MBAM.

If you don't have MBAM installed on your computer already, please for CNet's Download.Com page and click the Download Now button to start the download. Once it's done downloading, you can save the file in a place you can find it easily. I like to create a "Downloads" folder and store each program in it's own folder. (I tend to keep older installers for some of my older machines.)

Double-click the installer to start the install process. For MBAM, the only thing you might need to change is if you use the Quick Launch bar and allow MBAM to put a program button there. Otherwise, just click Next and allow MBAM to finish installing. Windows Vista and 7 might ask your permission at first start the process.

Allow MBAM to download updates. I like to double check that it has found all the updates once the program starts by clicking the Update tab. If MBAM has not already started, you can start it by double-clicking the red square with the white M in it. Then click the Check for Updates button. MBAM will check for and install any updates it finds. It might need to shut off MBAM to install program updates too. It'll tell you if it needs to do that. Just restart MBAM when that is done.

Once the update process is complete, click the Scanner tab. I like to have MBAM Perform Full Scan. Click the radio button to select that. Then click Scan. If you have only one Hard Drive, it will start the scan. If you have two or more Hard Drives or Partitions, it will ask you which ones you want to scan. I like to scan any that are there.

This process can take upwards of two hours, depending on computer speed and how many files you have to scan. Get a cup of coffee or a soda.

If MBAM finds anything, it will tell you on the third line: Objects infected: ##

If it does find something, Do Not Panic!

MBAM is just doing it's job.

When MBAM is finished, it will post a "The scan completed successfully. Click 'Show Results' to display all infected objects." Click the button and read through the list. Most of them will probably be Tracking Cookies. Those are fairly harmless as they are text files that can only be read by a few sites.

If you see something like Rogue Antivirus Center, that's bad. It's a program that tries to get you to give a site your credit card number and then run up charges. Leave everything on the list checked and MBAM will remove it for you.

Click Remove Selected to do that function.

MBAM will create a log file of what it found and what it did to remove it. This will open in Notepad. You can close this.

Then MBAM will tell you that your computer needs to be restarted to finish the job. Click Yes, and let your computer reboot/restart.

If you get something that does not allow MBAM to run or interferes with the normal operation, you can start your computer Safe Mode by pressing F8 as the computer boots. it will bring up the Boot Menu. Use the arrow keys to select Safe Mode with Networking (in case you need to update MBAM or other security software) and press enter. Windows will warn you that it is going into Safe Mode, click Yes to continue and then run MBAM or other software at this point like normal.

Who really Does the Work

The Florida Department of Labor claimed a business man was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Fl Govt agent : I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Business man : Well, there's 10 employees who's been with me for 3 years. I pay them $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Fl Govt agent : That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Business man : That would be me.