Thursday, March 29, 2012

Subject: Excuses For Missing Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told
me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No,
no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an
hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks
in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

I've used up all my sick I'm calling in dead!


Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!
(Beam me up, Scotty!)

Dolores capitis non fero. Eos do.
(I don't get headaches. I give them.)

Ex astris scientia
(From the stars, science)- The motto of Starfleet Acedemy

Promoveatur ut admoveatur.
(Let him be promoted to get him out of the way.)

Quiquid latine dictum sit altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin seems profound.)

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.
(If you can read this, you are overeducated.)

Si tu dixero, necesse erit ut tu interficiam.
- If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Vive diu prosperaque!
(Live long and prosper!)

Si vis amari, ama.
(If you want to be loved, love.)

Quotable Insults

some words from Groucho Marx

- Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think
it's you.

- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

A few words by Ashleigh Brilliant

- I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

- I will always love the false image I had of you.

- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

- We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

A few one liners to use from Fred Allen

- He's so small he's a waste of skin.

- He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in
both eyes.

- What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

Oscar Wilde had a few good ones too!

- He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

- I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.

- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
- - -David Letterman

He's completely unspoiled by failure.
- - -Noel Coward

He's liked, but he's not well-liked.
- - -Arthur Miller

He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
- - -Ayn Rand

He had delusions of adequacy.
- - -Walter Kerr

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
- - -Ellen Glasgow

He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- - -Raymond Chandler

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- - -Forrest Tucker

He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
- - -William Faulkner

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in
a yak.
- - -Woody Allen

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
- - -Robin Williams

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- - -Mae West

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
- - -Ellen Glascow

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It
only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my Case, it was damned near

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...POW!...
It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh
wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but
if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be
opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack
up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha
responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The
man responds, I don't care...just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street bald and still think they are beautiful !!!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's

"Rules For Work:"

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better,
hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as
a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training
in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No
use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check
you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Computer America Line Up for the week of March 26, 2012

Hour one: Columnist and Author Andrew Keen. This CNN reporter wrote a
recent story entitled "How our mobiles became Frankenstein's monster."
We'll talk about how we can't be without our cell phones these days and our
addiction to them!

Hour two: Their newly launched DonationApp allows
users to attach a photo of their donations using the iPhone built-in
camera, keep a running total of their estimated tax savings, and email
PDF reports they can give to their accountant or use with tax software.
An Android version of DonationApp will be launched in the near future as
well. What sets apart is the license and use of
eBay Market Data to determine fair market values of charitable

Hour one: netTALK. MagicJack is not the only little add on device that
lets you make free long distance phone calls! netTALK offers a full
featured phone line including Call Forwarding, Call Waiting and Caller
Id, Visual Voicemail, Fax Friendly, Voicemail to Email, Conference
Bridge, and has connectivity through Wi-Fi / Edge / 3G / 4G. It works
with or without a computer and offers LIVE customer support on the

Hour two: We continue with Computer and Technology News!

First Hour: Craig and Ben answer your computer questions and discuss the
latest Computer News.

Hour two: Dick DeBartolo, the GizWiz and Mad Magazine's maddest writer
joins us for the latest technology gadgets and wild stuff from the Internet!

Hour one: Blue Microphone. Building on years of repairing and improving
classic Golden Age microphones and recognizing advances in digital
processing, Blue fundamentally changed the way microphones are imagined.
They have created a line of mics with custom-designed sonic signatures
that make each Blue microphone truly unique and perfectly situated to
take advantage of today's increased digital bandwidths. Or to put it
simply: the perfect analog devices for the digital age.

Hour two: Craig and Ben answer your computer questions and discuss the
latest Computer News.

Hour one: Txchnologist. We searching for the next generation batteries
that last longer, charge quickly, are inexpensive and don't deteriorate.
Tune in to hear Txchnologist Editor in Chief Matt Van Dusen discuss
their recent article entitled: What Do We Need From the Battery of the

Hour two: Craig and Ben answer your computer questions and discuss the
latest Computer News.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Computer America Line Up for the week of March 19, 2012

First segment: Christopher Breen. Chris is the Senior Editor of
Macworld Magazine. Chris was at the Apple event last week. Chris will
talk about upcoming events as well as new products and related

Last segment: Craig and Ben answer your computer questions and discuss the
latest Computer News.

Hours one and two: Every third Tuesday of the month, we have an all
Linux show! Joining Craig and Ben once again is Larry Bushey, the
Creator and host of the "Going Linux Podcast."

Hour one: Jesse McDougal. Jesse is the author of #tweetsmart published
by O'Reilly Media. Jesse talks about how to use Twitter as a way to market
as well as other novel ideas!

Hour two: We continue with Computer and Technology News, plus your
Phone calls, emails, feedbacks and voicemails!

Hour one: Michael Miller. Michael is the author of The Complete Idiot's
Guide to Google+. We'll take a closer look at Google's move into the
Social Media arena and how it stacks up against Facebook and Twitter!

Hour two: David Perry. David is now the President of GDS Transnational.
David is a global authority on computer malware. Tune in to hear the
latest on what's happening in the world of malware and what you can do
to protect yourself, your identity and your computer!

First segment: Gene Steinberg, Apple aficionado Gene Steinberg joins us
to talk about all things Apple!

Last segment: As of press time, Intuit is tentatively scheduled to join us in
this last half hour. If not, then Craig and Ben will answer your computer
questions and discuss the latest Computer News.

Friday, March 09, 2012

I miss you, Babe

Says it all:

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his lord.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."


Friday, March 02, 2012

Becoming a Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to
the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so itwent on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ..

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.