1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better,
hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you
are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as
a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training
in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No
use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check
you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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