HOOOOOOOOPPY EASTER!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.  The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.  "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."  The blonde says,"Don't worry."  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him.  The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"  The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (You know you're gonna be sorry)  (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray  Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."

The Resurrection

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon before the whole congregation.  He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same

time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very

dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

 

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a

resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call

the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the

service to continue.

Critical Failure

I wrote this story in 2014 shortly before my second surgery. Which didn't go quite as well as expected.  But, I hadn't written anything in years previously. Not sure where this came from, and yes, there is a sequel kicking around in my head.

12 Feb, 2014

Neutrinos blasted past the ship’s sensors twenty minutes ago.

The star was ripping itself apart in a cataclysmic explosion, a nova.

Since then, we had been piling on as much velocity as the computers would allow trying to escape.  Two habitat ring support arms were already bending under the stress.

          There are things that can go wrong with a new starship when it’s the first, the only one, of her kind.  Of course, ours couldn’t be anything small, like elevator doors that only opened half way or panels that popped off the walls.

We had the first gravity drive that bent space-time around the ship.  It didn’t allow for true faster than light travel.  It was a cheat, a trick of math and physics, of energy and matter allowing us to barely out run photons.  But it felt that way to us inside.  Weeks or months of effective time for us, while one light year of travel was only one year of time passing outside.  We could, if we wanted, go home in our own lifetimes.

            In our case the whole ship was wrong.

            Twenty minutes was enough time for the crew and ship’s computers to figure out why our target star had gone nova.  It shouldn’t have for another 6 or 7 billion years.  We had planned to settle on the only habitable planet.  But our arrival had cut that time down.

            The field from our drive was much larger than expected, and the ship was pointed directly at the star when we decelerated into the system.  The only habitable planet was just on the other side, a handful of light minutes away.  We were never going to see it.

            The gravity drive was what had started the reaction which caused the nova.  Even as our speed increased, the telescopes where searching for Sol.

            You see, we could go home, if we wanted.

            But, as we slowed down here, we had accelerated out of the solar system.  We realized, with our drive pointed almost directly at the Sun.

            If there was anything left to go home to.

            The telescopes should be picking up the light from Sol soon enough.

Moving to Chicago

Bob, a friend of mine was recently flying back home to Chicago and
emailed me what had happened on his flight.

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago ,
when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an
emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked.  "Afraid of flying?"

"No, it's not that.  I've  been transferred to Chicago.  The people
there are crazy, right?  Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs,
poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life.  It's not as bad as
the media says.  Just find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school.  I've worked
there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.  I've
been worried to death.  But if you've lived and worked there all those
years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.  By the way, what do
you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Trip to Vandenberg AFB

Wow, this trip was in June of 2001.  As an Air Force Base, there are only helicopters permanently stationed at Vandenberg.  But aircraft of all kinds show up for various air shows. (I have pics of those too.)  These are rather small pics taken with an Olympus D360-L 1.3MP camera.

Agena rocket

Flat land all around, good for launching rockets.  

Titan launch computer console.

A rocket engine, not sure what one it is.

Another computer console, looks like it just came off the set of Star Trek.

Peacekeeper missile data.

What's inside a Peacekeeper.

Rocket model.

Satellite.

Space suits and rockets.

Titan launch control panel.

Titan launch control panel.  

Joke Time!

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!

---

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

---

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:
1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.

---

 
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers.”

---

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Drunk Gets Baptized

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and
is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus," 
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water
again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,
"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Computer Names

I name all my computers.  From the first Windows 95 machine in 1996; Elvira, Mistress of the DOS, to my latest Dell Studio XPS 8100; Agent Core i7.

Now, I name my "front line" computers after some role playing game characters.  It used to be the best computer in the house was named Allyson, after Allyson Jordan.  Second best was named after her husband, Keith.  I got tired of changing the names all the time as I got better and newer computers so the ones that have those names are stuck with them until they go to the recycler.

 Allyson is a Toshiba L775D-S7108 17" laptop.
Keith is a DIY running an AMD Phenom 9550 on a an Asus M3N78-VM board.

Of course, the Jordans have children.
Troy is a Gateway CX2610 Tablet PC from about 2005 with an Intel Pentium M 1733
Jennifer is the newer version, a CX210X running an Intel Core Duo T2300
Blair is also a DIY running a Biostar NM70I with a Celeron 1037U. It's connected to my 32" HDTV for streaming media duty.

I tend to name laptops after constellations.
Two Acer laptops.  The older ones is named Ursa Minor and the newer one is Ursa Major.
There's a Dell named Orion.
An IBM named Aquila, the Eagle.
An old Sony named Cygnus, the Swan.
Even have an HP G62-dx435 laptop named Cassiopeia.

Been naming some desktops in a "StarStation " format.  Though I do have a computer named after one of my dogs, Sydney.
My main desktop is Agent.
There's a Dell Dimension 8400 named Coruscant, after the capital planet of the Old Republic which runs XP Home and I use for old games.
An HP All-in-One named Aurora, after one of my cars.

Then there are the tablets.
LG V410 is names MissLamarr after Hedy Lamarr who discovered spread spectrum frequency hopping.
Asus Transformer TF300T named Kate after Kate Botello, a former host of The Screen Savers on TechTV.
Amazon Kindle Touch is named AdaGrace after Ada Lovelace (invented the first computer programming language) and Admiral Grace Hopper (US Navy computers, coined the term "bug").
Next tablet / smartdevice would be named after Emilie DuChatalet, a French woman from the 1700's.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%89milie_du_Ch%C3%A2telet

Transferring Files from an Android device to a Windows Computer

I am using an LG V410 tablet running Android 5.0.2 and a Windows 7 Home Premium computer.  The steps should be similar for other devices and operating systems.

1                     Have both the computer and device turned on

2                     Plug in the cable for the device to an available USB port, the computer should make the “USB device inserted.” Windows may need a minute to load drivers if this is the first time

3                     If a Windows Explorer dialog box does not open, click on the Windows Explorer icon in the Taskbar or click the Start button, All Programs, Accessories, Windows Explorer

4                     Under “Computer” / “My Computer” / “This PC” there should be a a device called “Your Device’s Name,” click on it. Some devices will allow you to change the name. My LG V410 is named “MissLamarr” after Hedy Lamarr

5                     An icon marked “Internal Storage” should appear, double-click it. In this folder, you will see dozens of other folders. You might also find files in the Movies, Music and/or Books folders if you have downloaded those items. Please Note: Poking around in some of these folders can be disastrous.

6                     Find the icon marked “DCIM,” double click it (I think it stands for Digital Camera IMages)

7                     Then you should see a folder named “Camera,” double-click itYou should then see photos.  From here you can select the ones you want with your mouse and using the key to select a range or the to select each file and then right-click on one selected file and click on Copy.

8                     Click on the “Pictures” folder in the left pane of the “Computer” window.

9                     If you need to, create a new folder and name it. Either by clicking the New Folder button, right-clicking in a blank area and selecting New > Folder.

10                 In a blank area of the new folder, right-click and click Paste.  Your file(s) should move from the device to the new folder.  Continue until the files you want are moved.

11                 Close all windows you no longer need.

12                 Right-click on the USB Devices icon in the System Tray to eject the device. If one isn’t there, you can just pull the cable as long as both devices are finished with the files transfers. If unsure, wait a minute or two.

13                 When transferring a large number of files, a dialog box will appear telling you the number of files and an estimate of how long the transfer will take.

Transferring Files from an iPhone / iPad (iDevice) to a Windows Computer

I am using an iPhone4 running iOS7 and a Windows 7 Home Premium computer.  The steps should be similar for other devices and operating systems.

1                     Have both the computer and iDevice turned on

2                     Plug in the cable for the iDevice to an available USB port, the computer should make the “USB device inserted” sound and the iDevice should “ring” twice

3                     Windows may need a minute to load drivers if this is the first time

4                     Unlock your iDevice if needed

5                     The iDevice should ask if you trust this computer. If it’s your own computer, tap “Trust”

6                     If a Windows Explorer dialog box does not open, click on the Windows Explorer icon in the Taskbar or click the Start button, All Programs, Accessories, Windows Explorer

7                     Under “Computer” / “My Computer” / “This PC” there should be a a device called “Apple iPhone (or iPad),” click on it

8                     An icon marked “Internal Storage” should appear, double-click it

9                     Next is an icon marked “DCIM,” double click it (I think it stands for Digital Camera IMages)

10                 Then you should see a folder marked with a random looking name, double-click it.  You might see more than one if you are using a newer version of iOS, those may be folders ordered by date.  You will have to double-click each one to see what files are inside

11                 You should then see photos.  From here you can select the ones you want with your mouse and using the key to select a range or the to select each file and then right-click on one selected file and click on Copy.

12                 Click on the “Pictures” folder in the left pane of the “Computer” window.

13                 If you need to, create a new folder and name it. Either by clicking the New Folder button, right-clicking in a blank area and selecting New > Folder.

14                 In a blank area of the new folder, right-click and click Paste.  Your file(s) should move from the iDevice to the new folder.  Continue until the files you want are moved.

15                 Close all windows you no longer need.

16                 Right-click on the USB Devices icon in the System Tray to eject the iDevice. If one isn’t there, you can just pull the cable as long as both devices are finished with the files transfers. If unsure, wait a minute or two.

17                 When transferring a large number of files, a dialog box will appear telling you the number of files and an estimate of how long the transfer will take.

Just a quick run down.