STOLEN CAR

  As I left the hardware store the other day, I was fumbling for my car keys and could not find them.  

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.  She's afraid that the car could be stolen.  As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.

The parking lot was empty.  I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife:  "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen. "There was a moment of silence.  I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice.  "Are you kidding me?" she barked,  "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me then".

"She retorted,  "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your d@#n car!"

"Welcome to the Golden Years"

Meat

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.


What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him The waitress asks them for
Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the
Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
Change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come
Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and
Pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
And places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
Always come up with the exact change in your
Pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
But you'll always be as rich as you want for as
Long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
Wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
Legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Arizona

A friend moved to Arizona a few years ago.  She has horses and goes on rides with her friends.










Sent me some pictures a few days ago.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

*  Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.  The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

*  I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune.  Now I turn it  like I’m cracking a safe.

*  I need to practice social distancing from . . . the refrigerator.

*  Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter/Passover . . . The Living Room or The Bedroom.

*  Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.  Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

*  Homeschooling is going well.  2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job!

*  I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.

*  This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.  It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.  I came into the house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.

*  So, after this quarantine, will the producers of My 600 Pound life just find me or do I find them?

*  Quarantine Day 5:  Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN.  You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.  I have no clue how this place is still in business!

*  My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

*  Day 5 of Homeschooling:  One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

*  I’m so excited . . . it’s time to take out the garbage.  What to wear, what to wear?

*  I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardia.  I’m getting tired of Los Livingroomia.

*  Classified Ad:  Single man with toilet paper seeks women with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

*  Day 6 of Homeschooling:  My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.”  I’m offended.

Covid Mask Making Supplies Update

The Creation Station Fabric & Quilt Shop252 East Hwy 246, Unit A Buellton, CA 93427 805-693-0174 info@thecreationstation.com www.thecreationstation.com

Covid Mask Making Supplies Update Hello to all of our friends out there! We have a lot to say and no time to type it up. Dawn and I created a little information video about what we have and how we're pulling it all off. Please take care and enjoy the show! Here's a link to our FIRST EVER post to YouTube. Hope it works for you! https://youtu.be/HYVFsMLz3xM Keep Calm and Mask On! Dawn and Patrick The Creation Station Fabric & Quilt Shop

Southern Divorce

 A judge was interviewing a Georgia woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked,

 

"Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

From Creation Station

The Creation Station Fabric & Quilt Shop252 East Hwy 246, Unit A Buellton, CA 93427 805-693-0174 info@thecreationstation.com www.thecreationstation.com Business Hours: Tues - Sat: 10 - 5, Sun: 10 - 4, Closed: Mondays Elastic & Mask-Making Supplies Have Arrived!

In This Issue:  ·  Elastic & Bias Binding Has Arrived!

Elastic & Bias Binding Has Arrived! Back to top We may be closed...but we haven't been idle! For those of you that are helping by sewing masks for those in need in response to Covid 19, you know that 1/4" elastic has been in short supply. We've got your back!! Dawn has some unusual sources in manufacturing and finally received our first order of over 1,200 yards of elastic and more is on it's way. WHITE elastic is in short supply but there is plenty of BLACK. We are spooling into 10 yard bundles for $5. That's .50 per yard and slightly less than our normal price. We plan to keep it this price for as long as it is in need as long as our suppliers can do the same. As for cotton bias binding -- we have several rolls and several colors to choose from. We will be working over the next day or so to get it posted on the website (it is not yet available to purchase online at the time of this update). The price and yardage will be the same as the elastic. 10 yards bundles of one color for $5,  and it will be a continuous piece. We just want to keep it simple. We've now got a plan for how you can purchase, receive / pick up these much needed supplies. ONLINE ORDER: First for those of you that may be out of the area that want to do your part...it's easy just click the link below and it will take you right to the shopping page on our website where you can order and we will ship it right out!  **** a NOTE about Shipping**** Our existing website has shipping set as USPS Priority flat rate $8.50. We are not having "quick" success at altering that so for now we have found a workaround. You will be charged the $8.50 shipping at the time of your online checkout. Once your order is packaged/weighed we will refund via Paypal the shipping $ difference. Example, today I sent 20 yards in an envelope for $1.40, here in CA. At this critical time every penny counts and we are doing our best to save you as much as possible for your generous gift of service for your fellow man! We need to stick together! Braided Elastic Link SHOP PICK-UP:  Dawn will be at the shop by herself opening the shop for limited hours to come and purchase on-site. And by pick up at the shop we mean you will be outside at the door. Sorry but we are not allowing anyone to enter the shop. Just "order" and pick up from the door. Dawn has severe Asthma and has been struggling with her lungs for several months now so we are not taking any chances. She will be there 12 noon-4pm. Tuesday-Friday each week. Please, if possible, we prefer you to pay in cash or check to help keep our cost down. Also if you see others doing the same pick-up service at the shop please stay in your car and follow social distancing. Please if you have a mask for yourself, wear it to the shop and we will have disposable gloves available on-site for interaction. Remember Dawn will be alone so please be patient with your customer service expectations. She will be doing her best to take care of herself and your needs. Again you will not be able to come in to the store to browse for fabrics for your next project. Sorry but this is not possible at this time. If you need to contact us, the best way to reach us is to call or leave a brief voice mail message on the shop answering machine. We will check these frequently and get back to you as soon as possible. The shop number is (805) 693-0174. Please take care of yourselves and your loved ones during this stressful and frightening time.

How to transfer pictures from your iPhone / iPad to your Windows computer

How to transfer pictures from your iPhone / iPad to your Windows computer

11)      Have the device on the Home screen

22)      Plug in the cable to the device and the computer

33)      Wait for Windows to connect to the device, either with the USB connect sound or installing drivers if this is the first you’ve connected the phone to the computer

44)      If File Explorer doesn’t open, click on the File Explorer icon in the Taskbar or type File Explorer in the Start a search field next to the Start button

55)      Look in the list on the left column for a device named “Apple iPhone / iPad” or the name of your device. (My iPhone5 is named Mary Jackson.)

66)      Left click on the device

77)      Double left click on Internal Storage

88)      Double left click on the DCIM folder

99)      Double click on the Apple100 folder (there may be multiple folder, and may need to check each folder for files)

110)  If the icons are small, change the View (fourth tab at the top of the window) to Extra large icons

111)  To select photos, there are a few ways:

A)     Select a single photo by clicking on it once to highlight, then right click for the menu to copy (leave the in the original location and place a file in the new location) or cut (remove the file from the original location and place it in the new location)

B)     Press CTRL and A at the same time to select all the files in the windows and them copy or cut them.

C)     Press CTRL and then click on each file you want to copy or cut.  If you need to scroll for more files, release the CTRL key, scroll, then press the CTRL button again

D)     Press SHIFT, then click on the first file you want to copy or cut, then click on the last file you want to copy or cut (again release the SHIFT key if you need to scroll down for more files) and the click on the last file to select all the files between

112)  Then click on the Picture folder in the left column and navigate to the folder that the pictures need to be in, or create a new folder

113)  Create a new folder by click on the folder icon at the top left, or right-clicking in a blank are of the window and clicking on New, then Folder and naming the folder, press Enter and then right-click and select Paste from the menu.  Or, just right-click and select Paste from the menu

114)  At the bottom of the window, when a file is selected, the status should say how many files have been selected, “51 items selects 102MBs” for example

115)  Two windows can be open at the same time for each folder, one for the device and another for the target location

116)  If two windows are open, files can be clicked and dragged across to the target folder or back to the device

117)  When finished, right-click on the USB icon, if present, in the lower right of the Taskbar, and the left click on the device to disconnect it.  If it is not there, wait until all operations (such as moving files) are complete, wait a few seconds, then unplug the device

118)  When cutting or copying files, a status window will be on the screen, when the operation is done, this windows will close automatically and any files that were pasted will still be highlighted until the mouse is clicked in a file

119)  The files can then be uploaded to a web site, or attached to an email

220)  When finished, close any windows that aren’t needed

Oh so punny

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,  

      but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.
 

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,  

but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,  

but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
 

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,  

but that was too exhausting. 

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,  

but just didn't have the thyme. 

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,  

but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard. 

7. My best job was a Musician,  

but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
 

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,  

     but didn't have any patience. 

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  

   Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman,  

but discovered I couldn't live on my net income. 

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, 

       but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,     

but they said I wasn't fit for the job..  

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,  

I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,     

but had to quit because it was the same old grind.    

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT 

  

...AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!

Life On The Front Porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? “

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

Some Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

 

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

 

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

 

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

 

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

 

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

 

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

 

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

 

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

 

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

 

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

 

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

 

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

 

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

 

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

 

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

 

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The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.