Quotable Insults

some words from Groucho Marx

- Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think
it's you.

- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

A few words by Ashleigh Brilliant

- I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

- I will always love the false image I had of you.

- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

- We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

A few one liners to use from Fred Allen

- He's so small he's a waste of skin.

- He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in
both eyes.

- What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

Oscar Wilde had a few good ones too!

- He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

- I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.

- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
- - -David Letterman

He's completely unspoiled by failure.
- - -Noel Coward

He's liked, but he's not well-liked.
- - -Arthur Miller

He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
- - -Ayn Rand

He had delusions of adequacy.
- - -Walter Kerr

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
- - -Ellen Glasgow

He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- - -Raymond Chandler

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- - -Forrest Tucker

He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
- - -William Faulkner

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in
a yak.
- - -Woody Allen

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
- - -Robin Williams

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- - -Mae West

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
- - -Ellen Glascow

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It
only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my Case, it was damned near
impossible.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...POW!...
It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ...my
wife found out..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but
if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be
opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack
up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha
responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The
man responds, I don't care...just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street bald and still think they are beautiful !!!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's
finished.