IF BUD AND LOU WERE HERE TODAY

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello , and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For
those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'.............

Catholic Shampoo

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

Computer America Show -- week of 7/25/2011

Monday
-------
Hour one: Author Chris Hadnagy aka loganWHD, has been involved with
computers and technology for over 13 years. Presently his focus is on
the “human” aspect of technology such as social engineering and physical
security. Chris has spent time in providing training in many topics and
also has had many articles published in local, national and
international magazines and journals. He presently is the operations
manager of Offensive Security and the lead developer of
Social-Engineer.Org. He is the author of the book, Social Engineering:
The Art of Human Hacking.

Hour two: Cisco just announced a new wireless-N dual-band entertainment
bridge aimed at bringing consumers the ultimate home theater and gaming
experience. The new bridge allows consumers to connect any home
entertainment device very quickly to their wireless network for rock
solid performance in streaming 3D/HD video and music, connecting and
playing games online through a gaming console, and much more.


Tuesday
-------

First hour and a half: CarCheckup. The mission of CarCheckup is to
empower consumers to take full advantage of the information available
from their automobiles by helping them understand their vehicle’s
information system.

Last half hour: Craig and Ben discuss the news events of the day!


Wednesday
-------
Hour one: Matt Rodela is an independent computer consultant. My goal is
to help people start and grow a successful Computer Repair Business by
sharing what he has learn along the way.

Hour two: Dick DeBartolo, the GizWiz and Mad Magazine's maddest writer
joins us for the latest technology gadgets and wild stuff from the Internet!


Thursday
--------
Hour one and Hour two: Author Steve Stockman. His book "How To Shoot
Video That Doesn't Suck" tells you how to shoot really great video.
Tune if for some of his best tips and tricks!


Friday
--------
First hour and a half: G Data. Hear all about their brand new Total
Security 2012 which received a 99.6 percent detection rate by
AV-Comparatives. In addition to their dual-scanning engine, the product
keeps consumers protected with features like fingerprinting, silent
firewall and low system load.

Last half hour: Craig and Ben discuss the news events of the day!

Just One Wish...

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die right after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Computer America for week of 7/18

Monday
-------
Hour one: Avatron Software. This productivity app turn your iPad, iPhone
or MacBook into an extra wireless monitor. It is one of the top-grossing
third-party apps on iTunes and adds up to 70 percent more screen space
for your use. The latest version of the app even offers a video-out
capability, so you can plug-in and use Air Display with a TV or
projector.

Hour two: Sculpteo. 3D printing is a prototyping process that makes it
possible to create an actual object from a 3D computer file. Material
is deposited and solidified layer by layer, creating a three-dimensional
object. Sculpteo offers a fast 3D printing service which is open to all.
They start from your 3D design to manufacture a specific object:
interior decoration, figurines, robots, miniatures, scale models.


Tuesday
-------

Hours one and two: Every third Tuesday of the month, we have an all
Linux show! Joining Craig and Ben once again is Larry Bushey, the
Creator and host of the “Going Linux Podcast.”


Wednesday
-------
Hours one and two: We continue our newest segment: Freebie Night with Gizmo!
Tune in as we talk about the newest, hottest and most useful FREE software
Products to hit the planet!


Thursday
--------
Hour one and Hour two: Gregory Evans. Joining Craig and Ben with the
return of the world’s greatest computer security expert. Tonight he
joins us to talk about hacking in its many forms, and how you can
protect your computer from malware invasions.


Friday
--------
Hour one and two: Gene Steinberg. Apple’s newest operating system is
here! It’s called OS X Lion and Gene’s had it for weeks! Tune in to
hear all about Apple’s latest OS that sports over 250 new features!
------------------------------

See you next week!

Mule Economic Recovery Program

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Economic Recovery Program..

Medal of Honor recipient

Staff Sergeant Leroy Petry

Computer America for week of 7/11

Lineup for the week:


Monday
-------
Hour one: Team Viewer connects to any PC or server around the world
within a few seconds. You can remote control your partner's PC as if you
were sitting right in front of it. Find out why more than 100 million
users trust TeamViewer!

Hour two: Christopher Breen. Senior Editor of Macworld Magazine. Hear
the latest from Apple!


Tuesday
-------

Hours one and two: Our Gamer Tuesdays are back! Joining us is IGN.com.
Daemon Hatfield is the Senior Editor of IGN.com and our newest
correspondent. He will talk about the hottest games and products!


Wednesday
-------
Hour one: It's Wednesday Madness! You never know who may stop in! Plus
it's OPEN phone lines! We answer your questions on ANY computer and
technology topic. We read your emails and Feedbacks, play your voice
messages, it's anything goes! Gabriel Torres, Editor of Hardware Secrets
joins us for both hours!

Hour two: Wednesday Madness continues with more of your emails,
late-breaking computer news and more!


Thursday
--------
Hour one: Ed Begley Jr.'s name has literally become synonymous with the
living green movement. Tonight, Ed will speak on how technology has
helped his environmental efforts. We'll hear which technology he uses in
his cars, his home and throughout his daily life to make living green a
little easier than it used to be.

Hour two: Not Scheduled as of Press Time.


Friday
--------
Hour one: Not Scheduled as of Press Time.

Hour two: Angie's List. Find detailed reviews on roofers, plumbers,
house cleaners, dentists and more! Over 1 Million members check Angie's
List before they hire.

Computer America Show Schedule for the week of 6/27/2011

Monday
-------
Hour one and Hour two: Centered Systems. We take a closer look at
making backups and the importance of making backups. Second Copy is the
perfect automatic backup software designed for Windows XP and above. It
makes a backup of your data files to another directory, internal or
external hard disk or to a computer across the network. Second Copy
monitors the source files and keeps the backup updated with new or
changed files. It runs in the background with no user interaction. So,
once it is set up you always have a backup of your data somewhere else.


Tuesday
-------

Hour one: Scheduled is Netted by The Webbys. The editors of Netted by
The Webbys have identified the coolest, must-have tools that will help
travelers make sure their time and money are well spent.

Hour two: SWAGG. Import plastic gift and rewards cards from over 300
merchants. SWAGG tracks your balances and organizes your cards with ease
on your phone. SWAGG lets you buy, send and swap digital gift cards from
a growing list of participating merchants.


Wednesday
-------
Hour one: It's Wednesday Madness! You never know who may stop in! Plus
it's OPEN phone lines! We answer your questions on ANY computer and
technology topic. We read your emails and Feedbacks, play your voice
messages, it's anything goes! Joining Craig and Ben is Yamaha.

Hour two: Dick DeBartolo, the GizWiz and Mad Magazine's maddest writer
joins us for the latest technology gadgets and wild stuff from the Internet!


Thursday
--------
Hour one: Adobe Dreamweaver. Hear all about Adobe’s Dreamweaver, the
premiere application for website development!

Hour two: World IPv6 Day. We’re running out of website addresses! We
need larger numbers to accommodate all of them. IPv6 hold the answer.
Our guest this hour is Owen DeLong, an IPv6 Evangelist and Director of
Professional Services.


Friday
--------
Hour one: VIDEX CyberLock Solutions. CyberLock Electronic Locks and
Smart Padlocks offer some of the best security locks in the business.
Tune in to hear all about them.

Hour two: Brookstone. This highly successful chain of stores has just
introduced QR Codes. Tune in to hear how this latest technology is
being successfully used at Brookstone stores across the country.

Tomatoes in New Jersey

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

I RESCUED A HUMAN TODAY

Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels.
I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.
I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid.

As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage.
I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today.
Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her.
Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship.

A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms.
I would promise to keep her safe. I would promise to always be by her side.
I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.
I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor.
So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors.
So many more to be saved. At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.


(Thank you, Queen Coco Puff the Munificent, for coming into my life.)

Best Comeback Ever

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, .. I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
This would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,

Much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

ARRIVALS IN HEAVEN:

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

onto the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked hiding

in this cedar chest . . ."

Step by Step walkthrough on Malwarebyte's AntiMalware

If you suspect your Windows computer is infected with some malicious software, you have a variety of tools at your command to deal with the threat. One that I really like is Malwarebyte's AntiMalware, also called MBAM.

If you don't have MBAM installed on your computer already, please for CNet's Download.Com page and click the Download Now button to start the download. Once it's done downloading, you can save the file in a place you can find it easily. I like to create a "Downloads" folder and store each program in it's own folder. (I tend to keep older installers for some of my older machines.)

Double-click the installer to start the install process. For MBAM, the only thing you might need to change is if you use the Quick Launch bar and allow MBAM to put a program button there. Otherwise, just click Next and allow MBAM to finish installing. Windows Vista and 7 might ask your permission at first start the process.

Allow MBAM to download updates. I like to double check that it has found all the updates once the program starts by clicking the Update tab. If MBAM has not already started, you can start it by double-clicking the red square with the white M in it. Then click the Check for Updates button. MBAM will check for and install any updates it finds. It might need to shut off MBAM to install program updates too. It'll tell you if it needs to do that. Just restart MBAM when that is done.

Once the update process is complete, click the Scanner tab. I like to have MBAM Perform Full Scan. Click the radio button to select that. Then click Scan. If you have only one Hard Drive, it will start the scan. If you have two or more Hard Drives or Partitions, it will ask you which ones you want to scan. I like to scan any that are there.

This process can take upwards of two hours, depending on computer speed and how many files you have to scan. Get a cup of coffee or a soda.

If MBAM finds anything, it will tell you on the third line: Objects infected: ##

If it does find something, Do Not Panic!

MBAM is just doing it's job.

When MBAM is finished, it will post a "The scan completed successfully. Click 'Show Results' to display all infected objects." Click the button and read through the list. Most of them will probably be Tracking Cookies. Those are fairly harmless as they are text files that can only be read by a few sites.

If you see something like Rogue Antivirus Center, that's bad. It's a program that tries to get you to give a site your credit card number and then run up charges. Leave everything on the list checked and MBAM will remove it for you.

Click Remove Selected to do that function.

MBAM will create a log file of what it found and what it did to remove it. This will open in Notepad. You can close this.

Then MBAM will tell you that your computer needs to be restarted to finish the job. Click Yes, and let your computer reboot/restart.

If you get something that does not allow MBAM to run or interferes with the normal operation, you can start your computer Safe Mode by pressing F8 as the computer boots. it will bring up the Boot Menu. Use the arrow keys to select Safe Mode with Networking (in case you need to update MBAM or other security software) and press enter. Windows will warn you that it is going into Safe Mode, click Yes to continue and then run MBAM or other software at this point like normal.

Who really Does the Work

The Florida Department of Labor claimed a business man was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Fl Govt agent : I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Business man : Well, there's 10 employees who's been with me for 3 years. I pay them $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Fl Govt agent : That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Business man : That would be me.

Rules for Snowflakes

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world will expect you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.

Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:

They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,

so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring

as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,

cleaning your clothes and listening to you

talk about how cool you thought you were:

So before you save the rain forest

from the parasites of your parent's generation,

try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers,

but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades

and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.

You don't get summers off and very few employers

are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.

*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.

In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds…

Chances are you'll end up working for one.

OREGON MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery………………………The study of paintings
Bacteria……………………. Back door to the cafeteria
Barium…………………….. What doctors do when patients die
Benign…………………….. What you be after you be eight
Caesarean Section………… Neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan…………………… Searching for Kitty
Cauterize………………….. Made eye contact with her
Colic………………………. A sheep dog
Coma……………………… A punctuation mark
Dilate……………………… To live long
Enema…………………….. Not a friend
Fester……………………… Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………… A small lie
Impotent…………………… Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………………. Getting hurt at work
Medical staff………………. A Doctor’s cane
Morbid…………………….. A higher offer
Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates
Node……………………….. I knew it
Outpatient………………….. A person who has fainted
Pelvis………………………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative……………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room……………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………… **** near killed him
Secretion…………………… Hiding something
Seizure…………………….. Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness……………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor………………………. One plus one more
Urine……………………….. Opposite of you’re out

Moped versus Ferrari

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,

'What kind of car ‘ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor…

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.