Best Comeback Ever

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, .. I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
This would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,

Much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

ARRIVALS IN HEAVEN:

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

onto the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked hiding

in this cedar chest . . ."

Step by Step walkthrough on Malwarebyte's AntiMalware

If you suspect your Windows computer is infected with some malicious software, you have a variety of tools at your command to deal with the threat. One that I really like is Malwarebyte's AntiMalware, also called MBAM.

If you don't have MBAM installed on your computer already, please for CNet's Download.Com page and click the Download Now button to start the download. Once it's done downloading, you can save the file in a place you can find it easily. I like to create a "Downloads" folder and store each program in it's own folder. (I tend to keep older installers for some of my older machines.)

Double-click the installer to start the install process. For MBAM, the only thing you might need to change is if you use the Quick Launch bar and allow MBAM to put a program button there. Otherwise, just click Next and allow MBAM to finish installing. Windows Vista and 7 might ask your permission at first start the process.

Allow MBAM to download updates. I like to double check that it has found all the updates once the program starts by clicking the Update tab. If MBAM has not already started, you can start it by double-clicking the red square with the white M in it. Then click the Check for Updates button. MBAM will check for and install any updates it finds. It might need to shut off MBAM to install program updates too. It'll tell you if it needs to do that. Just restart MBAM when that is done.

Once the update process is complete, click the Scanner tab. I like to have MBAM Perform Full Scan. Click the radio button to select that. Then click Scan. If you have only one Hard Drive, it will start the scan. If you have two or more Hard Drives or Partitions, it will ask you which ones you want to scan. I like to scan any that are there.

This process can take upwards of two hours, depending on computer speed and how many files you have to scan. Get a cup of coffee or a soda.

If MBAM finds anything, it will tell you on the third line: Objects infected: ##

If it does find something, Do Not Panic!

MBAM is just doing it's job.

When MBAM is finished, it will post a "The scan completed successfully. Click 'Show Results' to display all infected objects." Click the button and read through the list. Most of them will probably be Tracking Cookies. Those are fairly harmless as they are text files that can only be read by a few sites.

If you see something like Rogue Antivirus Center, that's bad. It's a program that tries to get you to give a site your credit card number and then run up charges. Leave everything on the list checked and MBAM will remove it for you.

Click Remove Selected to do that function.

MBAM will create a log file of what it found and what it did to remove it. This will open in Notepad. You can close this.

Then MBAM will tell you that your computer needs to be restarted to finish the job. Click Yes, and let your computer reboot/restart.

If you get something that does not allow MBAM to run or interferes with the normal operation, you can start your computer Safe Mode by pressing F8 as the computer boots. it will bring up the Boot Menu. Use the arrow keys to select Safe Mode with Networking (in case you need to update MBAM or other security software) and press enter. Windows will warn you that it is going into Safe Mode, click Yes to continue and then run MBAM or other software at this point like normal.

Who really Does the Work

The Florida Department of Labor claimed a business man was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Fl Govt agent : I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Business man : Well, there's 10 employees who's been with me for 3 years. I pay them $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Fl Govt agent : That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Business man : That would be me.

Rules for Snowflakes

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world will expect you to accomplish something

BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.

Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:

They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,

so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring

as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,

cleaning your clothes and listening to you

talk about how cool you thought you were:

So before you save the rain forest

from the parasites of your parent's generation,

try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers,

but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades

and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.

You don't get summers off and very few employers

are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.

*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.

In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds…

Chances are you'll end up working for one.

OREGON MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery………………………The study of paintings
Bacteria……………………. Back door to the cafeteria
Barium…………………….. What doctors do when patients die
Benign…………………….. What you be after you be eight
Caesarean Section………… Neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan…………………… Searching for Kitty
Cauterize………………….. Made eye contact with her
Colic………………………. A sheep dog
Coma……………………… A punctuation mark
Dilate……………………… To live long
Enema…………………….. Not a friend
Fester……………………… Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………… A small lie
Impotent…………………… Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………………. Getting hurt at work
Medical staff………………. A Doctor’s cane
Morbid…………………….. A higher offer
Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates
Node……………………….. I knew it
Outpatient………………….. A person who has fainted
Pelvis………………………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative……………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room……………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………… **** near killed him
Secretion…………………… Hiding something
Seizure…………………….. Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness……………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor………………………. One plus one more
Urine……………………….. Opposite of you’re out

Moped versus Ferrari

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,

'What kind of car ‘ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor…

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

An actual serious posting for a change.

Today while reading my Twitter feed, I came across this posting:

Gay adoption refers to the adoption of children by homosexuals or same-sex couples.

—

PBS.com

And it really struck me as inaccurate on PBS' part to describe adoption in that way. "Gay" used to mean happy or upbeat. Now, it mean, an addition, to be involved with someone of your own gender. Calling people "same-sex" isn't correct. "Gender" is, to me, a better word because it describes what you are, either male or female. (An important issue, but not one I feel prepared to tackle here is trans-gender.)

Adoption is taking a child that, for whatever reason, has been placed with an agency from their biological parents to be taken care of until a good home with people that will love and raise the child is found.

In this fast paced world we all live in, people trying to shorten messages to one or two pertinent words are loosing the meaning behind those words.

I am all for anyone that feels they are able to provide a good, stable, loving home for children of any age or background. (I also dislike the word "race" when talking about humans. We don't take about the Corgi race or the Jack Russell race when talking about dogs.)

If you choose to love someone, that's your business. Love them completely, with all your heart and soul. Finding someone is special, finding other people to share that with is a mission from .

I've often thought that I could indeed be a good parent. However, I am not fiscally able to undertake that mission at this time. I decided a long time ago that bringing more children of my own would not be an option. Even fostering would be beyond my means right now. I have the room, the time, but not the money to buy myself new socks, let alone a growing child.

I can only applaud those that do with my highest regards. No matter who they are, the body isn't the important part, it's the souls inside. A lesson that humanity needs to learn.

Thanks for your time.

Think you have stress?

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.

Now that's stressful!

But at the hospital they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful!

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

One Hundred Dollars

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything...

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are talking.

#1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. "

#2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "

#3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

#4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

#5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable

Lyrics -- The Star Spangled Banner

O! say can you see by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner, O! long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,
A home and a country should leave us no more!
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Blonde Mortician:

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Show Me Your Hunting License

A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'

The hillbilly reached in to his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt,and said 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's From Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said,




'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina .. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?'

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hill billy, 'Boy, just where the hell are you from?'

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.'

Doggy Door

Could you imagine coming home from work
to find this tiny creature napping on your
couch with your dog?
Guess who came home for dinner?
It followed this beagle home, right through
the doggy door This happened in Maryland
recently. The owner came home to find the
visitor had made himself right at home..
This hit the 6 o'clock news big time.

MSE 2.0 is out!

And has been for some time. I did notice a few changes but didn't think about those much. Now, Windows Secrets writer Fred Langa has an article on MSE 2.0 with it's significant changes.

If you are running Microsoft Security Essentials, it's now version 2.0. Get it here:

http://www.microsoft.com/security_essentials/

or here:

http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/en/details.aspx?FamilyID=e1605e70-9649-4a87-8532-33d813687a7f

Microsoft Security Essentials 2.0 runs on XP SP2 and SP3; Vista Gold, SP1 and SP2; and Windows 7. The only thing to watch out for is is you run the 32bit or 64 bit versions of Vista or Windows 7. You can check this by looking in Start > Computer > System Properties. Under System, you'll see System Type and the Operating System will tell you there.

No one believes Seniors

. . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -

fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.” Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said:

“Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE

Unusual Fishing in the Stephens Passage, Alaska

Four young Sitka black-tailed bucks fell upon good luck Sunday
as they were pulled from the icy waters of Stephens Passage, Alaska

by a group of locals on Tom Satre's 62-foot charter vessel.
Four juvenile Sitka black-tailed deer swam directly toward the boat.

Once the deer reached the boat, the four began to circle the boat,
looking directly at the humans on board. Clearly, the bucks were distressed.

With help, the typically skittish and absolutely wild animals came willingly onto the boat.
Once onboard, they collapsed with exhaustion, shivering.





Here the rescued bucks rest on the back of Tom Satre's boat, the Alaska Quest.
All four deer were transported to Taku Harbour.

Once the group reached the dock, the first buck that had been pulled from the water
hopped onto the dock, looked back, then leapt into the harbour,
swam to shore, and disappeared into the forest.
After a bit of prodding and assistance from the humans, two others followed suit,
but one deer needed more help.

Here he is being helped by Tom Satre off the boat.

Tom, Anna and Tim Satre help the last of the "button" bucks to its feet.
They did not know how long the deer had been in the icy waters
or if there had been others who did not survive.

The good Samaritans (humans) describe their experience as "one of those defining moments in life."

I’m sure it was for the deer, as well.