Saturday, August 28, 2010

Little Red Wagon

Most of what I remember about being 12 is playing Combat and Canyon Bomber on our new Atari 2600 and going to school. It was the year of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Some guy drove a black Pontiac Trans-Am.

This kid, ZACH_BONNER, is -walking- -across- -the- -United States-. Go read his story, follow him on Twitter ( @zach_bonner ) and help him out if you can. Take a look at the backpacks, and see what he was doing the last couple of years.

http://littleredwagonfoundation.com/#

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Gone Fishin'

A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

The Difference Between Real People and Politicians

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,

'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied,

'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

I'm Getting Close To This:

FOR A GOOD LAUGH... This is for the over 50 generation and those that love them:

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50; I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

People Doing Good Things

Lori and Anders and Enablers Asia doing works to help people make their lives better in truly fundamental ways. Creating hydroelectric power for churches and buildings, recycling steel, making bridges stronger. Read all about they work being done here:

Enablers Asia

And follow them on Twitter: @andersandlori

Follow their blog HERE for updates.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Human Lifespans Explained --

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it.."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Friday, July 09, 2010

*TRAFFIC CAMERA


I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I
figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit
even though I knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove
even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic
camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and
was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.


You can't fix stupid.....*

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Sounds on the Wind

I have this and my Tumblr account attached to Twitter. But I like good news and can't repeating this.

I just heard from a good friend who’s having a rough time lately. She got some Good News finally today from a major TV network about a new show that’s going to help people in their own rough spots. When I have more news, you will too. So watch this spot often for updates and info on what to find and where.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Science Made Easy

Here's what the universe, from the perspective of being inside the Milky Way, looks like in various wavelengths from gamma rays to radio waves. Interesting to see the objects that appear and vanish from type to type.

Chromascope

via @tavigrenier

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Summer Is Coming

Make sure your home is in a defensible space by following CalFire's steps:

http://www.readyforwildfire.org/

Clearing plant growth, keeping roofing in order and other things _YOU_ can do to protect your home and family and make it easier for fire fighters to do their jobs.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Trip To Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I
have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

How to Grow Up

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How To Clean House

1. Open a new file in your PC .

2. Name it 'Housework.'

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4.. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your
PC will ask you,
'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'

6. Calmly answer, 'Yes' and press mouse button firmly ...

7. Feel better?

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Pledge


I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG,
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ,


AND TO THE REPUBLIC,
FOR WHICH IT STANDS,


ONE NATION UNDER GOD,


INDIVISIBLE,
WITH
LIBERTY
AND
JUSTICE
FOR ALL!

Remember the Fourth of July!

I know it's a bit early, but we need to keep remembering this, not just on July 4th, but every day the United States of America is defended by the valiant people of the military.

As we prepared to celebrate our nation's freedom many of us will head off to near and distant places to play and relax...enjoying time with family and friends, but....there will be the American Soldier who will be fighting on distant shores to preserve freedom for all of us. As you plan your holiday, please consider including prayer for our soldiers.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Help for a little boy

Please read this blog and comment and let Shaun and his family know that people all over the world are pulling for him, and them! What a tragedy to happen to a little kid and his family. Any prayers and though

http://shaunpennington.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-story.html

Thank you very much!

BEWARE OF UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!




One evening a husband,
thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim
Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a
little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out..

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put
talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker,
'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

You
guys just never learn...

Do not tick off the little woman.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Things you can do with Windows 7 Part 2

By default, Windows 7 groups same programs in the Taskbar under one icon. Sometimes, this is handy if you have a small monitor. BUt if you switch between windows often, this may not be a feature you want active. You can turn it off by right-clicking on the Taskbar, clicking on Properties, and then changing the drop down menu next to Taskbar Buttons from "Combine when Taskbar is Full" to "Never Combine." Then each window will have it's own button.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Vocie from the Friendly Side

After losing his parents, this 3 year old orangutan was so depressed he wouldn't eat and didn't respond to any medical treatments. The veterinarians thought he would surely die from sadness. The zoo keepers found an old sick dog on the grounds in the park at the zoo where the orangutan lived and took the dog to the animal treatment center. The dog arrived at the same time the orangutan was there being treated. The 2 lost souls met and have been inseparable ever since.

The orangutan found a new reason to live and each always tries his best to be a good companion to his new found friend. They are together 24 hours a day in all their activities.



They live in Northern California where swimming is their favorite past time, although Roscoe (the orangutan) is a little afraid of the water and needs his friend's help to swim.




Together they have discovered the joy and laughter in life and the value of friendship.



They have found more than a friendly shoulder to lean on.



Long Live Friendship!!!!!!!

I don't know......some say life is too short, others say it is too long, but I know that nothing that we do makes sense if we don't touch the hearts of others.......while it lasts!